每次做不到，总是安慰自己，算了，我也就这点儿能耐，别强求。看起来怎么都像自己犯懒的托辞。比如今天，下午离开研究所时充满壮志豪情对自己说，晚上继续工作。结果呢，晃荡到这里了。没办法，一回到家，这个人瞬间放空，任何需要思考的事情都不做。明天努力写完吧！估计又只能壮志未酬，遗憾上床了。

跑步的时候看到山顶放置了烟火，才意识到窗外扰民的游乐园终于要熄火了，一阵暗爽。前面这块空地还真诡异，上次半夜听到狮子吼，搞得我以为幻听，第二天才知道来了个马戏团。

我就是没什么大志，没什么理想，就想整天不用工作，在热带海滩晒太阳。幻想，永远都那么美丽，也永远更让人痛恨丑恶的现实。实际我每天朝九晚五体力加脑力。回到家，还凄凄凉凉一个人听着窗外人们兴奋的喊叫，真是的，一个游乐园也值得激动成这样，不愧是村里。

怎么最近有点antisociety的倾向。

很多事，就浅尝即止吧，风声不对赶紧撤，哈哈，老年人跑得慢，万一被流弹击中，就交代在那儿了。

对佛教的认识很浅显，很多道理经常看见，却一直不明白。比如无色无相，我这样太过执着的人，也许永远到不了那个境界。
今天跟蛤蟆讲，很怕老去的那一天，宁愿在那之前早早死掉，如果没有死掉，就去一个任何人都找不到的地方躲起来。她很烦我说这些。因为她不知道我有多害怕面对繁华散尽的寂寞。

我这个年纪，对很多人来说，人生刚开始精彩。这样看来，太超前真是不好，面对着周围四溢的激情，我只能冷眼旁观，心里在想，拜托，这些都是我不想再玩的。没有一直盛开的花朵，没有永不黯淡的光芒，如果生命中永远只有喝彩，如果可以不用独自站在落幕的舞台，这人生，就还不错。
以我这样喜怒无常的个性，估计没人消受得起。得，还是不要拖人下水，自己逗自己吧。年轻的时候还好，一个人生活完全没有问题。把我一个人扔到荒岛，都能过得风生水起。但是老了，身体开始不受脑袋控制的时候，就完蛋了。所以，人都要结婚，都要生小孩，都得在自己不能照顾自己的时候拽个不开眼的。但我就是不服，凭什么每个人都得这样过一辈子。

今天心里有些堵，于是自个儿去山上晃荡了一会儿，想得美美的，擦好防晒霜，带上墨镜，咱也学一学德国这些见到太阳不要命星的居民，躺在山顶草坪翻过来覆过去的晒个够。事实证明，老天都不待见我，明明中午那么好的太阳，我一出去，哗啦就没了，山顶小风嗖嗖的，死撑着躺了十分钟，趁还没凉透前狼狈逃窜下山。
以前我最讨厌太阳，别跟我说阳光多美啊，多温暖啊，谁要说这些前，先去昆明给我待个1年，可劲儿的晒，1年以后不哭着喊着出门就帽子眼睛遮阳伞全副武装，我还就甘愿以身相许了。回想去北京之前的样子我就心惊，整个一非洲山民，黑得泛光，不过显得牙很白，哈。

我在幻想，能像电影中高速闪回那样生活，不留一点空隙，不留一片空白，轰轰烈烈，然后在最高潮结束。不期待长久，就图个爽。

我对蛤蟆说，要是以后我早早死掉，八成没人给我戴孝，就拜托您老把我骨灰撒到大海里呗？人家说，还得专程去趟海边，怪麻烦的。我急了，那，那，我的财产肯定也没人继承，分你一份儿呗？人家说，恩啊，这个话题我有兴趣。
小样，我都能想象到你立刻变成星星眼的样子。

也许是以前太能折腾，现在突然平静了这好些日子，还真tmd不习惯。想想以前经历的各种，也算挺不一般的，就算现在结束，我也不会有遗憾。

只能等，什么都做不了，这样真烦躁。

压根不知道复活节庆祝什么，好像有兔子和彩蛋。不过平白多出的两天休息实在是让我很开心。
更开心的，就是蛤蟆小姐要到Aachen村来看我。

她看到我这样叫她，一定十分不爽，不过想来天底下也只有我这样称呼她，算一种小秘密吧。话说蛤蟆小姐和同伴在来看我之前已经在欧洲大陆游荡了将近20天。这4月的欧洲天气，也真够配合，上周风雨交加，差点下雪，这周艳阳高照，烤得人出油。

废话不多说，蛤蟆小姐要来，我可是真激动啊，光思考菜谱就用了好几天，几易其稿，周四专门请假半天杀到大超市采购，周五整整在厨房忙了5个小时，此情感动天地。

好了，上菜！
土豆蝴蝶意粉沙拉
鲜虾柚子沙律
酸甜黄瓜
醋拌苤蓝
黄油煎金枪鱼黄瓜卷
冰糖肘子
小鸡炖蘑菇
酿茄子
萝卜丝饼

话说这么多菜，几乎被我们仨吃完，看来战斗力不输从前。

可惜蛤蟆小姐第二天就要回英国了，当晚俺们促膝抱被谈心一直到快要天亮，多少陈芝麻烂谷子的事都翻出来讲。

总结，此次会师还是很成功的，我和蛤蟆小姐把我们长年的革命感情延伸到了欧洲大陆，具有划时代的意义。哈哈

一个多月，早睡早起，忙忙碌碌，好容易停下来，几乎就到了该睡觉的时候。
早晨起来一杯黑咖啡，背着一炸药包的东西去所里，实验，论文，干活。隔天去体育馆，然后回家做饭，洗衣服，洗澡。
欲望，在平凡生活中越来越淡，对食物没有要求，很久没有进过城，除了办公室里德国同学之间偶尔的交谈，很少和人交流。吃很多水果，各种各样，又到了疯狂吃草莓和葡萄的季节，之前是猕猴桃和橙子，梨已经被我抛弃了。

今天，突然就觉得满足，没来由。

常常在特定的日子，暗示自己，从这一天开始，一切会有不同。新的一年，又一个生日，和生命中的每一天一样，并没有什么不同。也许不同的，会是心态。
许久没有用中文写字，有时候甚至忘记了怎么表达。
这一年，过的平静。间中也有痛苦挣扎的时候，那时也觉得快要坚持不下去，深度怀疑坚持的意义。人在成长，面对困难，慢慢就有了经验。抱怨，痛苦，消沉，都不是办法。所以我很少再写什么，很少给自己机会把不愉悦的感受升级。是因为感觉迟钝了，还是因为麻木，抑或那些情绪不再像它们曾经的那样激烈。
成长，对很多人来说，是一个包容的过程，接受更多。我却觉得是在放弃，放弃曾经纠结着的现在看来可笑都事，放弃曾经花费太多时间现在不忍再继续的事。可能不知道自己究竟要什么，但是越来越多的事，我知道，我不要。

I can't even understand what I wanted to say.Once I write something here,I must be losing my sleep.
Apart from home gives me nothing related to the holiday feeling which I should've had.
Thanks to the lazy German mechanical worker in my institute,I'm still stocked here while I was supposed to graduate and start to have a real job at presence.Or maybe I only have myself to blame.
I have issue to pretend nothing's wrong rather than to admit my own fault,just like an ostrich.
Anyway,life gose on whether it exactly performs as planned or not.
I told others trying not to complain.At least I should carry it on by myself.
Sometimes I just feel so frustrated not to become a successful and strong person like those who actually are.
I'm a coward and I'm well aware of it.I wanna change but afraid of the unexpected sequences that might come along.
Whatever,may everything go smoothly and cheerfully from now on,nonsence though.

I've been seeing many movies lately and I'd like to do something intensely within a certain range of time,seems some obsession.Before movies were TV series or novels on line,and before that,movies again.Mama mia, I need get a life.

So I want to say something about what I've seen,like I've done serious work,how pathetic.What I am about to say doesn't have a sequence or category,some are new,some are old enough to indicate that how out I were.

Passenger
Anne Hathaway.She has giant pair of eyes,a little bit creepy when the black lines makes them larger.Anyhow she's tolerable.
Slow pace,chilly winter,a city without much vitality and a plane crash beginning.I almost went asleep during the first 90 minutes.And the last five minutes totally beat me down,hard....I completely confused and didn't know what was going on,what happened.I swear,it's definitely a rare occasion that I couldn't understand a movie without googling on earth it tried to express.Then I feel so frustrated, even such cliche fooled me.Well,what if it was an excitement indeed.

The Bridges of Madison County
The motivation that I digged a 14 years old movie and finally decided to give it a shot is my deeply admiration and love for Meryl.I want to see all her movies,plays and series,even interviews.What a great wish and kinda weird that I have such passion for a 60-year-old actress.But I believe most people would understand.Quite obvious when you are conquered again and again by her performances.
As I remember,my mom and her friends appriciated this movie a lot.But back then I was too young ot comprehend what made them touched to see two old people talking love.Even now after I saw it I still think it's a story about a bored and desirous middle-aged housewife cheating on her husband by having a fair with a very old fellow for only 4 days.I admit I am mean.Two senior citizens can make me touched by their love,that's wonderful.
There is one line I love most.Francisca said in the letter she left for her children:I gave my life to my family,I wish to give it to Robert what is left of me.

It is bitchy to say so but I couldn't help.Those so called great movies produced domestically are so ridiculous that I want to say four-letter word.I gave a lot of shots trying to convince myself to enjoy them.But not a chance....Do those "fancy" directors know what life are for Chinese people? Maybe they are pioneers.Then I only have myself to blame due to lack of sense of art.But please,I wish I never ever have such sense.

That's it.
Get a life! once more to me.

I remember every twilight that has touched me ever,even though I was not sober then.

           

After my 6-day trip to Paris,I've been entraped in a sort of mood,which I can't tell what exactly is.
Maybe I'm still in the huge shock Paris gave me,of course in a good way.Everything there I can't refuse,but fall in love with at the first sight.Some changes happened to me now.I want to stay in Europe other than going back to Beijing.Paris is such a real metropolitan with all the adorable elements,which I think are necessry for a real life.Even,I'm thinking of learning French,which is indeed softer and more delightful than German.I'm sure I've already found an unbelievable new lover.
The other night we were in a boat on river Saine.I was sitting on the deck,alone,with other travellers around,laughter,joyful talking,kisses,hug...... Everything seemed so amazing under the witness of the Eiffel tower.At that moment,sorrow just burst into my mind from nowhere.I knew I was supposed to be excited.But the only thought then was loneliness.In such a romantic city,such a romantic journey,I had no one.So I realized that it's said Paris would remind you of love is true.Except that one hour on Saine,I was as happy as possible all the time.
I don't know why recently I turn to be so needy.

My wardrobe finally collapsed.
I know it's a little bit scary.How much clothes should a man have in order to shut the wardrobe down?The main reason which was responsible for the bad news is the low quality of my non-wood wardrobe,which means it's way too far from strong enough.Plus,the amount of my clothes is a little bit out of control.
All my lovely T-shirts,jeans,jackets deserve a better place to live.Considering my own poor living condition,they have to suffer with me.I want an apartment,no matter how large it is,a locker room should be definitely in there.
I'm an ugly single man with a weird desire of classic clothes and shoes,and I don't feel ashamed at all.

Till today,I've been living in Germany for one whole year.Normally,such anniversary should be celebrated by holding a party or something.I don't feel like making it a big day.
Maybe it is a shame to admit I spent one year getting uesed to the life here.But I'm so proud that I survive eventually.Even though it didn't appear that I've got a colorful and joyful life within the past year,It was truely a totally different experience that I've never known before.I've learned lessens from those accidents.I've been making progress in my English.I'm getting better with my German.Still a lot of good things happened to me.
I want better and more,so I have to make harder efforts to realize my purpose.

It's the first,but absolutely not the last summer I'm not at home,hanging with my folks and friends.That's why this summer turns so lonely.
Yesterday I watched a movie about Paris,which I'm planing to go at the end of this month.In the movie,Paris looks so amazingly wonderful and romantic.Every corner of this city could be a paint,reallity doesn't match so much though.It is said that the streets of Paris are full of stubs and doggie's excrement.Paris always is and always will be the dream land of lovers.Maybe after my trip there,I can understand why.I say maybe,because I have no accompany.
Nostalgia seems not a trouble anymore.Once you leave home for quite a long time and get used to the life somewhere else,the shape of home becomes vague.Since 5 years ago I left my hometown,I started to realize that would not be the place where I spend the rest of my life.Where would I stay?I've no idea.
For the whole August I have to search literatures related to the subject I chose,which is very time-consuming and possible to get the bad results.Next month,some experimental work will start,I have to go to Köln to deliver some samples for analysing.Then my summer ends like that.I wish I can achieve a good mark on my study integrated thesis and get a job.
Sometimes I choose to be lonely.

I don't know why it is so damn difficult for me to keep fit.Recently I start to doubt there is kind of substance missing in my body,which could've helped me consume extra calories.Anyway,the only reasonable explaination is supposed to be laziness.My adorable mom always says if I had spent much more time on working out when I was younger,I could've been taller.No one can foresee what will happen.
I knew foreigners like jogging from those movies and series.Almost every neighborhood has a jogging park or something like that.Instead of a park,I've got a small hill named laurensberg(Berg is the German word for hill).So for my own good,I have to pick up this seemingly joyful activity I hated.
Running all the way,if I can.

PS: about why I opened another blog?

Actually this is my third blog.About the other two,one has been abandoned,the other is still in use.But the sina blog has some weird censorship,which is unfriendly to foreign languages.Maybe I watched too much American series,feel like writing in English these days.Let's wait and see when my enthusiasm will fade away.
But the words I use and the way I write are still childish.I'm making effort to improve.
Have fun here!

Life sucks!
Every moment,unexpectable things keep happening to us,both bad and not so bad.Just broke up,just lost job,just got cancer......I'm trying so hard not to turn into a negativist.
I watched all three seasons of <House>,nothing but the names of plenty of diseases has been learned.Wasn't that interesting?
Lymphoma,herpes,autism,diabetes,lupus,kinds of tumor......Dr.House is an expertise of diagnosis,who has a weird personality but really good at what he dose.A person,no matter how extremely normal and healthy he or she seems,has the chance to get fatal disease,coming from the surrounding we live,the food we eat,people we get in touch or the body itself.
Diseases not only make those who hate life more miserable or quicker to death,but also they grab the happy hours of people smiling all day long.Fair enough?
Cancer is still the No.1 killer other than AIDS.Almost all kinds of cancer are incurable.Treatment only means to prolong the lifespan as much as possible and minimize the pain.AIDS can be effectively avoided by self control.But cancer might originates from the born defects.That explains why lots of non-smokers die of lung cancer.
What do we do?
Live happily until the call.
I think I was a little bit overreacting.